Central to romantic love is obsessive thinking. Night and day you think of “him” or “her”. You have someone camping or their mind might have a camping hammock in your head. But of all the intoxicating feelings of romantic love, perhaps the most powerful is the craving for emotional union with the beloved. Foremost, the lover wants this special person to call, to write, to be invited out for dinner or drink, to share, to plan — and to say those precious words, “I love you.” – MSN RELATIONSHIPS
In a few relationships, arguments always seem one sided – with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It’s conceivable they both have an issue communicating their feelings and sentiments, yet together they’re ready to promise one another that emotions are being managed. Different couples will encounter it in various ways, yet that puzzling feeling wholeness you have when you’re as one is the thing that Henry Dicks, a master in relationship psychotherapy, called the ‘unconscious fit’.
Every one of us carries with us a psychological blueprint, holding insights about our backgrounds and the marks they’ve cleared out. It contains information we regularly haven’t recognized about our apprehensions and tensions and our ways of dealing with stress or the coping mechanisms and defenses.
Each of us has an unconscious ability to examine someone else’s blueprint. The people who we’re most pulled in to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We’re searching for likenesses of experience at the same time, more significantly, we are also looking for differences.
The reason for this unconscious fit is to discover somebody who can complement our experiences. That might be somebody who’s the same as us, yet we’re searching for somebody from whom we can learn; somebody who has created ways of dealing with stress/coping mechanisms that are different form our own.
The perfect partner will be somebody who has battled with comparative life issues, yet has created another method for managing it. It appears that our other half is frequently our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.
Although no two relationships are ever the same, therapists have seen that there are some regular sorts of unconscious fit. Do you recognize any of these?
Parent and child – this type of couple often has shared issues to dependency and trust. One partner adapts to those issues by acting in a child-like-way. Their hidden belief is that if they remain insecure, dependent and needy, their partner will look after them. Their partner takes on the role of parent and by doing so can deny their needs for dependency as they’re acted out by the other.
Master and slave – this couple has an issue with power and control. One partner might feel insecure if they’re ever subordinate, so they’re bossy and assume the responsibility for every household circumstances. Their partner, who fears obligation, obediently toes the line while egotistically looking at what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner’s control-monstrosity disposition.
Distancer and pursuer – both partners fear intimacy and closeness but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Periodically the chase will swap round.
Idol and worshipper – at the point when one partner demands to put the other on a pedestal, this regularly shows an issue with competition. To stay away from any correlation and comparison, both partner unconsciously agrees to play this game.
There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.
Babes in the wood – you might have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They have the same hobbies and, all the more importantly, they detest the same things. They continue joining so as to anything terrible out of their ideal relationship strengths against the huge, awful world outside.
Cat and dog – at first glance these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.
You might see elements of your relationship in these types. As we advance through our relationships, it’s not remarkable to slip into a specific example of conduct. For instance, in a time of illness and weakness, you may act out the guardian and child model while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.